Monday, November 20, 2006

AJ Ebert

The good thing about my husband being in another state is I get to watch a lot of movies I wouldn't get to otherwise.

This last week I watched Sleepless in Seattle again. I love how, after they meet on top of the Empire State Building, they just can't stop looking at each other. They will look away because, let's face it, outright staring is obnoxious and a little creepy, then they just can't help looking back.

I watched Waterloo Bridge, which I liked except for the fact that Vivian Leigh's character kills herself rather than marry her wait-a-minute-I-thought-you-were-dead fiance' and try to forget that she had to hook for a while to make ends meet. Thinking about hookers "making ends meet" is ALWAYS entertaining.

I also watched Giles' Wife where the wife stands by (and occasionally aids and abets) while her husband has an affair with her sister because she feels that it will all blow over and she will get him back. Then when it DOES all blow over and she gets him back, she throws herself out the attic window. Stupid foreign films.

Speaking of foreign films, I also saw Changing Times with Catherine Deneuve and Gerard Depardieu. Catherine Deneuve, who was over sixty when it was filmed, looked luminous. Can I PLEASE look that fabulous in twenty-three years? It also made me realize that I do not ever want to go to Tangiers. Yuck. Oh, yeah, and the older he gets, the more Gerard Depardieu's nose looks like a penis.

I watched Bubble where a woman is apparently jealous of a younger woman and kills her. The movie takes place in West Virginia and it's one of those movies that makes me realize how blessed and fortunate I am to have the life I have. All the people in that movie live in trailers or crappy apartments or homes with 90% paneling. So even though the movie sucked, it's always good to get a little "But for the grace of God..." moment. I felt the same way about Junebug.

No one died in How to Lose Your Lover, but frankly I only watched it because I wanted to see what kind of train wreck would feature not only Poppy Montgomery but also Tori Spelling.

You know how when you are checking for movies to record on TiVo and you click on a movie title to see what it is about and when you see the name of the first actor that is all you need to know about the movie. If I think a title looks intriguing and I click on the description and am greeted with "starring" names like Melissa Gilbert or William Hurt or Madonna or L L Cool J or, heaven help us, Adrienne Barbeau, you just can just immediately write it off.

I even started to watch a movie called Galaxy Hunter. Sometimes a movie just sounds so bad that it just might be good. It "stars" Shelley Michelle (Kim Basinger's body double who decided she could act - ha!) and, wait for it, Stacy Keech. I mean, this baby is so ugly it's GOT to be cute, right? Wrong! It was like watching the plot of a bad porn movie only no one gets naked. Yes, THAT bad!

However, I do have SOME standards. I will never EVER watch The Pacifier.

Ever.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Another Smart Amy

This quote is from Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal.

"It is so much easier to not do something than to do something. Even the smallest task, like filling out a Scholastic Books order form or putting away the butter, requires time, focus, and follow-through. It's astounding, actually, that anything gets done at all, by anyone."

This is how I feel every. single. day.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Doodle? Doorbell? Doobie?

I watched Doogal with the kids last night. Can I just say....Ugh!

I was lured into thinking it might be good because...

I THOUGHT (because, apparently, I am an idiot) that it was made by the guys who made Hoodwinked. I LOVED Hoodwinked, and not just because Red was voiced by Anne Hathaway who I am predisposed to like thanks to many viewings of OTHER junior market movies (although she really needs to stop flashing her rack around so much - yes, your boobs are mighty and it was lovely of you to let us admire them, but knockers, uhm, KNOCK IT off already. Your nipples are the new Paris Hilton's crotch).

Doogal just plain old-fashioned sucks ass. The animation is crap and the voices don't really match the lip movements. The entire premise is retarded. All the characters are so lame that you are HOPING they all die and NOT just because the Evil Villain is voiced by Jon Stewart and I have been waiting for YEARS for him to accept my invitation to impregnate me.

Now, I know this warning comes too late to save many of you, as we did not watch it in the theatre or buy the Happy Meal or get it on DVD but waited until it came on Starz (or was it Encore?). But those of you I can protect, by god, I will not leave you behind!

I can only hope that the death of many of my brain cells (sure, I don't use them much but I kinda like having them around) and the loss of approximately 78 minutes of my life not have been in vain. Run away!

(Special note to Jon - I still love you)

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Phone Rage

So I'm driving home from the library today. As I stop at a light, I happen to look in my rearview mirror and see the lady in the SUV behind me talking on the phone.

I say "talking" but that is not exactly correct. It was more like "ripping-someone -a-new-one" on the phone. Seriously, I can't lip read or anything but, trust me, you didn't need to. This woman was flipping her head and yelling (I'm assuming she doesn't always open her mouth that wide when she's talking) and hand gesturing like Helen Keller on speed. Apparently the poor rip-ee on the other end kept hanging up on her because every so often she would take the phone off her head, push a couple of buttons, put it back up to her head then commence yelling again.

I was now completely paranoid that she was going to ram into me at, well, ramming speed since she was so preoccupied with her tirade I'm pretty sure she only had approximately 2% of brain power left to actually control her ten tons of motor vehicle.

So I did what I think any red-blooded American would do in this situation.

I pulled into McDonalds and got a Happy Meal.

Someone had to.

Monday, November 06, 2006

You KNOW You Want One

"So lifelike"

"Interactive and fully animated with realistic hair, skin and sounds"

"Sonic sensors, touch sensors, and infrared vision"

"4 modes include happy, playful, fearful and agressive"

"Includes remote control, or set for auto mode"

Have I gotten your attention? Are you ready to buy?

Oh yeah! Hook me up!

Who feels dirty now, Milhouse?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Where the Wind Comes Peepin'...

Holy Mother of Monkeys - it WINDY!

I went to Target today and I almost didn't get my groceries out of the cart and into my vehicle because it was blowing so hard. It actually BLEW the bread right out of the grocery bag. I'm not kidding, it's that windy.

It also REPEATEDLY blew open the neck of my sweater. Considering that I was trying to unload groceries into my vehicle, this meant that when I would bend over it would blow it so open that you could see my ENTIRE TORSO!!!

Stupid pervert wind!

And you two! Yeah, I said you two! Over there! PRETENDING to mow the grass! Show's over! Move along!!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Halloweeeeeen!

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. It was all about fun. You get to wear a costume and eat tons of candy. It's pretty much the perfect holiday.

Now Halloween has a tendency to make me angry.

I'm mad that schools no longer have Halloween parties or allow kids to wear their costumes to school. When did this happen? Who let this happen? Why?

I'm mad the kids who are too old to be trick-or-treating show up at my door and thrust a pillow case at me. Wearing your own clothes and saying you are a "skater" is not a costume. Wearing your own clothes with one sleeve and one pantleg rolled up and saying you are a "hobo" is not a costume. Get lost already.

But there is still much about Halloween to love.

Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas is still one of my favorite movies. I think we are going to take the kids to go see it in 3D this weekend (in fact, when my son was really little he wouldn't watch Shrek or Monster's Inc because they scared him, but he LOVED Nightmare Before Christmas).

Little kids in their costumes are just tiny pieces of heaven stopping at my front door. Especially when they say "fricker freat!" or "tickle treat!". I love to ooh and aah at them. They make my heart hurt.

My son wore a Yoda costume. Except for the fact that he ditched the Yoda mask before we even left the house. That left him in a Jedi outfit with a robe. So he told everyone he was Mace Windu. Sure little white boy. Sure you are.

My daughter was Daphne from Scooby Doo. No one knew who she was. She just looked like a little cocktail waitress in a giant orange wig and fuschia go-go boots. When some brave soul would ask who she was, she told them "I'm DAPH-ah-nee" which only served to confuse them further. When I clarified, they would go "Oooooh!" and laugh.

May the Mystery Machine be with you.