Thursday, February 17, 2005

If I Were a Man (Rich or Otherwise)

A little while ago I received an e-mail from the witty and studly Bob sharing the following tale...

"Did you see that guy that proposed to his girlfriend at an NBA game? This was on Valentine's Day, and he proposed to her on center court. She looked in disbelief, shook her head no, then ran off the court. LOL!"

That was his quote. I will never, ever, write LOL regardless of whether I have laughed out loud or not.


This inspired me to relate how I would propose if I were a man (because I don't think women should ever have to).

First, and you would think obviously, I would be absolutely, positively, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt certain that my proposee was going to say yes. It truly is amazing how many men skip this step.

Okay, so I (again, assuming I'm a man) have found the Aphrodite of my dreams. I have spent some serious time soul searching about my decision including squinting at my beloved at odd times and picturing how she would age and sag and wrinkle up, so as to see how I felt about such changes. I would know her thoughts on child raring, religion, politics, the welfare system and who gets the wet spot. I have given myself the mental green light, as I have indeed found womanly perfection (as it applied to me anyway).

Now I need to PLAN the proposal. I would absolutely NOT make said proposal in public (for those who may disagree, please see above). It would be as romantic as hell. Romantic as hell FOR THE GIRL. Which means just because I (the man) think Duncan Sheik plays romantic tunes, if THE GIRL thinks he's a hack, the evening is not going to go well. It's all about the investigation and planning. What's her favorite food? Check. What is her favorite dessert? Check. Favorite music? Check. Check. Check. Check.

Now when I say "not in public" I mean "not within hearing, or even better seeing, distance of other people". I do not mean you can't do something romantic in the park or on a boat or on horseback or at the gator park. If you can actually involve fireworks, bonus for you. Generally. You have to tailor the situation for the girl.

If she LOVES Velvet Revolver, I would take her to the concert then propose to her afterwards (when she's still pumped up). If she LOVES puppies, I would find someone giving away puppies, take her to pick one out and when she does get down on one knee, hand her the puppy and ask her to marry me.

Now, you may note, at this point, that I have said NOTHING about the ring. You're right I haven't. And brownie points to you for paying attention.

I, and again this is just me, don't think the GUY should pick out the ring. Follow along.

After she has said yes (as I was SURE she would) I, while still on bended knee, tell her that tomorrow I am taking her to the jewelry store and she is going to pick the ring of her dreams. I tell her that she is going to be wearing this ring EVERY DAY for THE REST OF HER LIFE and I want to make sure she loves it like I love her (even though that is not possible).

Cut to Jewelry store.

Okay, now after we arrive, I seat her in one of the comfy chairs provided (if the "jewelry store" doesn't even have chairs GET OUT NOW - sometimes in life you need to get a little gouged in order to have the appropriate atmosphere). I take the sales person aside and let them know The Plan. Said sales person would then bring an array of rings in my "price range" (about three months salary is still the rule of thumb - and that's GROSS income, you cheap bastards). After my new fiancee oohs and aahs over them, she will eventually narrow down the choices. When she finally seems to settling on one, my Plan, as previously discussed with the sales person, kicks in. Sales person goes and gets ring that is JUST like the one my fiancee is currently deciding she loves only it is BIGGER. I get down on bended knee, again, and tell her that the ring she is holding just would not show how much I love her. I think she should take this one. Bigger, more sparkly, more beautiful, more her.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is that she is going to remember this for the REST OF HER LIFE. And she is going to tell ALL HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY about it over and over and over and over. Make it special.

That, in a nut shell, is it. If you need any more advice, please feel free to e-mail.

Oh and if I was the girl in the opening proposal story I would have said yes on the court, then crushed the poor slob later in private. But, again, that's just me.