Monday, May 09, 2005

I Think of Her Every T-Ball Game

My best friend has a friend that I will call Janie.

BF met Janie at nursing school. I am always amused that someone so self centered should chose the nursing profession, but I'm almost positive she did it to hook-up with a doctor. And she has. MANY of them.

I'm sure when most people first meet Janie, they spend a good amount of time trying figure out if she really IS a woman or just a really good drag queen. Personally I don't think she's attractive enough to be a drag queen, but what do I know? I know I was CONVINCED that she used to be a man.

She has long thick brown hair and if you took just a picture of her lips, most people would guess they were Steven Tyler's. Except for the flawlessly applied lipstick that she is forever checking.

Janie is a prissy, snobby, H-I-G-H maintenance girl.

She must have "something" because she has more boyfriends in a year that I think I have had sum total. Her boyfriends take her on trips, buy her flowers, jewelry and high-dollar accessories. About seven years ago, upon returning from her honeymoon she declared, "Just because I'm married doesn't mean I have to stop dating." Her husband is an ostrich with the IQ of gravy.

She likes to go to the Phoenix Open every year. She is a professional at attending this particular event by now. She meets a LOT of her boyfriends there. She has been doing it for yeeeeeeeears, but back in the day, when she was just a fledgling, she invited BF and a select group of presentable (ie, pretty but not so much as her highness) girls were got decked out and hit the turf.

Several drinks into the day, Janie needs to go to the restroom. For reasons I can't exactly recall, they were stuck going in a Port-O-Potty.

Janie, obviously, is NOT a Port-O-Potty girl. Apparently she was desperate and the other girls talked her into it. She was the last one to go and they all stood around outside waiting for the shrieks of horror to issue from her chosen unit. She did "eek" and "eww" a couple of times, but, over all, they are pretty impressed with her behavior. She eventually comes sashaying out, smiling and proud of herself for "sinking to the level of mere mortals" and living to tell the tale.

"It wasn't THAT bad!", she declares smugly.

The girls congratulate her. She smiles, fluffs her hair, accepts her due.

Then she says,"I really thought it was nice that they put that purse holder in there."

BF looks quizzically at her and asks, "Janie, WHAT purse holder? They don't put purse holders in Port-O-Pottys"

Janie, scoffing at BF, "Of COURSE they do! They're RIGHT there!"

BF thinks for a minute then starts laughing.

"Um, Janie? I'm not sure how to tell you this, but that wasn't a purse holder. That was the urinal."

Janie, blanching under her make up, "WHAT??!!"

BF, hardly able to speak over all the laughter, "That was the URINAL."

Janie, suddenly figuring it out, "OH MY GOD!!! THIS IS A $1000 PURSE!!"

She is drops the offensive item on the grass and backs away from it.
I'm not sure what she ended up doing with it. BF friend couldn't remember.

She DID remember that she met someone that day that bought her a new one.