Friday, June 03, 2005

Attack of Heather DeLoach, et al

We have bees.

In our HOUSE!

WTF?!! Can't they find a nice TREE or something to live in? I consulted our "Complete Works of Winnie the Pooh" and nowhere in there does it mention bees in freaking houses. Seriously, at NO point in the narration does Pooh go poking through someone's ATTIC looking for honey. NOWHERE!

I had just been out in the backyard with my son & I came in & heard buzzing. Loud buzzing. Peering around I noticed there were a couple of bees in the breakfast nook window, pounding their tiny selves against the glass trying to get out. "Well you stupid assholes" I thought to myself, "If you want out so bad why the hell did you come IN in the FIRST place?" So, flyswatter in hand, I commence to smash them both - WHACK! WHACK! (I'm known in the flying-bug circles as "The One" because I always get the kill on the first hit. I know. There is just no END to my talents, is there?)

As I am getting ready to pick up the carcasses I hear more buzzing. "What the...?" More bees in the window. "Where did YOU guys come from? Well it's too late to save your friends, but you can join them." I whack a few more.

Bees -0
AJ - 5

Then I realize I hear buzzing coming from the family room. As I step over to investigate (it's open to the breakfast nook), I see there are bees coming OUT OF THE CEILING (where there WERE speakers but the previous owners took them out and since we left ours in our last house and buying new ones isn't exactly at the top of my list, there are some holes left from the mounting hardware as well as a hole dangling some lovely wires). "Holy shit!"

Did you see The Swarm? Yeah, me too.

I snatched my sleeping daughter up off the couch and carried her, wailing and snorting because I'd interrupted her nap, upstairs where I told her & her brother to shut their doors & leave them shut until I came back. Then I ran to the garage & got some painter's tape & sealed up the holes in the ceiling. I could HEAR them in there! The freaking bee cavalry had been summoned. Gaaah!

Grabbing the phone book, I ran upstairs. There is NO listing whatsoever for Bee Exterminators in the Greater Tulsa Region White & Yellow Pages. NONE of the exterminators" listed "bees" in their add. I finally resorted to calling one of the five places listed under "Beekeeping Supplies" and asking the guy who answered, and coughed in my ear for a full minute, who I could call for bee removal.

Oh good lord, the Bee People.

The Bee Guy answers the phone and after I listen to him cough for a good half a minute (apparently he & the beekeeping guy are smoking buddies) I tell him my tale of woe. I give him directions. He says "Oh, that's far" which I roll my eyes at but let go (moving from the Phoenix area, where my husband had to drive over an hour just to get to work, I am amused/irritated by people here who won't go somewhere 15 minutes away because it's "too far"). He tells me there is going to be a $20 trip charge (Uh, buddy? Did I mention there are freaking bees IN MY HOUSE??? I don't give a SHIT about a $20 trip charge just get your red-neck, loogie-hacking, pushing-50-IQ ass OVER HERE!!). I tell him, "That's no problem."

Bee Guy & Bee Gal, who's combined weight hovers in the 500 range and who's gen-u-ine tooth count is hard to calculate due to my dislike for fractions (1/3 + 1/2 + 1/4 = ???), come rolling up to the house in a giant blue-ish van that I could hear coming from about a mile away (that shit is only cute if you are the ACTUAL Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang).

Luckily (snort) the "Bee People" said they think this is a "swarm" that is just moving in which means the will be easy to get OUT. They will remove the floorboards in the corner of the attic, vacuum out the bees, seal up the exterior cracks that let "the girls" in and replace the floorboards. I tell myself that getting rid of the bees outweighs the issue of having everything stored in the attic tainted with the stench of radioactive B.O. (oh, and did I mention that he ripped a GIANT fart while we were all standing in the attic looking at the bees? Oh yeah. It was a smell-o-vision moment)

Do you want the bad news now (you KNEW there had to be bad news, didn't you? Personally I would think that the bees taking up residence like thousands of little poker-assed squatters would be bad news enough, but apparently - no)? The BAD NEWS is they can't come remove the little bastards, uh bitches, until MONDAY! That's right people - we have three entire fun filled days of twitching at every slight real or imagined movement that passes our peripheral vision.

Bee girl, you're gonna die.