Monday, June 20, 2005

Dumb Like Clam Chowder

Although it has been a lovely thirty-six years that me, myself & I have been together, I STILL manage, WAY to frequently to astonish and amuse all three of us with the utter limits I take my stupidity to.

Let's use this morning as an example, shall we?

I TiVo workout programs & do them in the mornings. I have a nice little rotation going that includes yoga, cardio & stretching - about six programs in all. On Saturday, my yoga program was dedicated to poses to aid in the relief of constipation. Now I would say I'm as constipated as the next gal (though NOT as bad as some - right Dooce?) so I figure that this looks good. It entailed drinking two glasses of salt water (chugging two glasses really as you are supposed to not dawdle or "sip") then doing a series of poses. Saturday I do all the poses but skip the salt water drinking portion as it was supposed to be done on an empty stomach & I had already eaten.

Fast forward to today.

I decide this morning to skip breakfast with the kiddos and do the program complete with salt water toddies. I slam a quart of salt water (did I mention that it is LUKEWARM salt water) then do the poses. Hmmm. No *magic*. The instructor DOES mention if the train is not leaving the station yet that you can REPEAT the process (as it is, and I quote, "not harmful").

Can you just SEE the stupidity people?

Oh yes. I do.

I chug down ANOTHER QUART of lukewarm salt water, this one not settling in as well as the last, and start to repeat the poses. Halfway through the second set the doorbell rings. Ugh! I forgot the bug man was coming this morning. I let him in & herd the monsters whilst he hoses down the house then write him a check & send him on his way. At this point I'm kinda tired of the poses & I figure "Ah, screw it."

Oh ho ho. Screw it indeed. About fifteen minutes later, I feel the tracks rumbling. The train she is a coming.

OH GOOD LORD!

Now, you would THINK I would have seen this coming. Where exactly did I think all that freaking salt water was GOING? Apparently I hadn't put the required amount of thought into the FORM it would have taken by the time it reached the end of the line. In other words - THE SAME FORM IT WAS INGESTED IN.

What do AJ and Shamu have in common?
The both shoot salt water out their asses.

And shoot it did. It was a splash-back nightmare! But you know how they say that meat stays in your intestines for YEARS? NOT MY INTESTINES! I think I even finally purged out that gum I swallowed in Jr. High.

Like the penguins in "Madagascar" say when they reach Antarctica? "THIS SUCKS!"

Amen, my little monochromatic brethren. Amen.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL PEOPLE!

Then I went to Target & ate a huge soft pretzel. WITH SALT.

I'm like Lot's wife at this point.

Okay I gotta go get a drink now. I'm REALLY thirsty.