Monday, July 11, 2005

Now MORE Complete with Choline!

Are you, like me, looking for new outlets for that deep roiling pit of anger that seethes in the well of your dark soul? Tired of the old standbys - swearing? throwing coffee cups? biting the heads off unsuspecting chickens (because, let's face it, what chicken is expecting THAT??!)?

Well, have I got a job for you.

Hie thee down to your neighborhood store and get a bottle of good ol' Flintstones vitamins. If you are a real Bitter Betty, *cough cough Kris cough cough* you might want to get the Sam's Club / Costco economy size. Then you get out your trusty cutting board and a steak knife and start cutting.

I discovered this fabulous technique because my three year old is only allowed HALF of a tablet. Obviously the Bayer HealthCare LLC company has been hip to the aggression-disbursement needs of mothers for years.

Oh, the sweet release of shopping Fred's ginormous head off. Barney takes the whack right across the middle. BamBam's head is left floating next to his perpetually cocked bat. Pebbles (who looks disturbingly troll-like) is neatly severed at the top of her arm. Betty, who we all know was missing from the vitamin family originally, apparently joined the fruity ranks with a little lingering hostility as you have to chop her right where her elbows jut crankily from her hips. Wilma is left with one half of an arm perennially fluffing her trademark coiffure. Dino is sitting up, begging, just BEGGING, you to lop him in half. But the greatest pleasure, I feel, can be found by brutally slicing the head from that oh-so-annoying alien dude. The Great Gazoo my ass!

Just don't let your spouse come in and catch you licking all the fruity carcass dust off the cutting board. The embarrassment might harsh your mellow.