Thursday, July 21, 2005

Page 208

According to Glamour's August 2005 edition (hey, I can't just read Darwin non-stop you know) the following are the "10 Secret Signs He'll Be Good in Bed"

1 - He doesn't boast about how good he is in bed (if he does - run!).

Is this true? I have no idea. I can not recall a single time a man has told me he is good in bed PRIOR to me finding our for myself. Maybe this one is for those of you who are perusing the single's ads.

2 - He can knot a necktie in five seconds flat - fine motor skills are always a plus.

Okay, yeah, fine motor skills are always a plus. But he is fast at the necktie because of REPETITION. Just because he is good at something he does five times a week, fifty odd weeks a year, doesn't mean he's going to have the kind of skills to rev up my motor. And I'm not seeing where the speed is a plus. Maybe if he takes his time slowly tying the knot, smoothing the ends frequently with his hands, carefully inserting the rabbit into the hole, finally caressing the finished product. I'm thinking THAT sounds more like it!

3 - Never in your life have you made such intense... eye contact.

I'm agreeing with this one just because I HATE it when people talk to you and don't look at you. What is the DEAL with that? Why, if a person is talking TO YOU they feel the need to gaze off over your shoulder? Or above your head? Or completely off in left field? Seriously, I HATE this. So very rude. If I'm talking to anyone and they look at me for THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION I love them already.

4 - The Italian actress he dated last year still calls him.

How is this a "good" thing? Because Italian women tend to "keep in touch" with good lovers? Que?

5 - He cooks sloppy but cleans up neat.

I really like the visuals on this one. Think about it. Think about it more. Riiiiiiiiiiight. It reminds me of something I read that said, roughly, that good sex is messy and REALLY good sex is disgusting. AMEN!!

6 - A surreptitious survey of his bookshelf reveals high-quality novels, substantial nonfiction - and nothing remotely resembling The System: How to Get Laid Today!

He HAS a bookshelf? ALRIGHT! Although I think too many philosophical books are worse than finding porn (depending on the porn - Also if you meet a guy like my -stupid- friend dated who has porn going NONSTOP in the VCR and always has a towel lying on the floor by his bed, R-U-N! Did I mention my friend was stupid because she dated him for almost a year and would wash his towels for him. Ewwww!)

7 - He talks with his hands and he laughs with his whole body.

I'm totally on board with this one too. Especially the laugh part. ANYONE who gets that into laughing just plain old ROCKS!

8 - He holds open doors, waits for you before digging into dinner and generally seems to get the concept of "ladies first".

I see where they are going with this (not that they are trying to be THAT subtle). I don't understand the women who get annoyed by men who hold doors for them. Their whole "I can open the door MYSELF!" attitude is just bizarre. OF COURSE you can get the damn door yourself. If someone is being polite enough to hold a door for you the least you can do is be polite back. I hold doors open for people ALL THE TIME. It's just my small way of spreading a little good karma around. It doesn't mean I don't think the trolls can't get the door themselves. Lighten up already.

9 - His bedroom light switch has a dimmer.

Okay, he isn't allowed to read books on how to get laid but it IS okay for his bedroom light to have a dimmer? Personally this makes me think of the movies where the guy pushes a button and automatically "mood" music comes on, the curtains close, a bar pops out of the floor and one wall turns around revealing a giant round bed complete with leopard print silk sheets.

10 - He's on the short side - think of him as "man concentrate".

I laughed out loud at this one! Man concentrate - like if you just add water he'll grow. Or dilute. Or expand. While there ARE portions of a man I LIKE to expand, the other visuals for this are just a little too disturbing.

In conclusion, I would like to add that you can't tell a book by it's cover (even though I HAVE found many good reads that way). You have to get under the covers yourself. If you don't like it you can just put it back on the shelf. If it's good you can keep around and see how it turns out!