Tuesday, August 16, 2005

With NEW Farking Action

Dear Crest Dunderheads,

Can you please explain to me how "Sparkle Fun" can, by any stretch of the imagination, be considered a FLAVOR?

Yes, the product in question does indeed contain an element of "Sparkle" which, most red-blooded Americans would agree, is quite "Fun". But I'm still not getting where the "Flavor" part comes in.

Personally I would imagine that anything "Sparkle" flavored would be rather metallic. While metallic as an adjective can be construed as a positive attribute, I have NEVER heard of anything with a metallic TASTE being considered as pleasant or desired. Maybe that's where the "Fun" part comes in. YOU say it is "fun" so, by golly Grandma, it MUST be "Fun".

A big impressive company such as yourself, and the monolithic corporation that you are a subsidiary of, would never intentionally MISLEAD the fleecy public. Right?

I believe this delicate and potentially unsavory affair can EASILY be remedied. Simply remove the word "Flavor". TA DA! I believe you would have paid a special outside consultant in the neighborhood of $635,000 (plus stock options) for coming to this very conclusion. I offer it freely in a gesture of goodwill because, frankly, it annoys the heck fire out of me. Plus if I had the foggiest IDEA of how to get my genius to translate into anything that would offer any monetary compensation I would have done so by now.

I thank you in advance for you prompt attention to this matter.



PS - In my next letter we will discuss how something can NOT be both "Liquid" and "Gel" at the same time.

PPS - While you're at it, why don't you just come clean and admit that "Flouristat" is a completely fabricated. I'm on to you. I'll be on the lookout for any "New" products by you that claim to have "Unicornium".