Friday, September 09, 2005

Glamour - ous Me

Glamour magazine recently published (well, sort of re-published) a list of "30 things every woman should have and should know by the time she's 30".

Seeing as how I'm now closer to 40 than 30, I wonder how I'm doing (you know, according to the Glamour Queens).

By 30 you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
How about an old FRIEND I can imagine going back to and having as a boyfriend? ALL the boyfriends remind me of how far I've come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. In fact the only piece I own that HAS been previously owned are a vanity that my grandfather made for my grandmother (which is in the closet in the guest room because it just doesn't "go" anywhere). Just about everything else has been acquired since I've been with my husband.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. Yes to the first one and the man of my dreams would think I looked fabulous no matter what I was wearing.

4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying. No (but I AM going purse shopping in a couple of weeks for my fall purse), yes and all the umbrellas in my house have either Spiderman, Dora or Care Bears on them.

5. A youth you're content to move beyond. Yep. I LIKE getting older. You couldn't make me 20 again for A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age. Yeah, I guess, but I'm NOT going to be boring future generations about it no matter HOW juicy I think it is.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age - and some money set aside to help fund it. The women on both sides of my family tree live to around 100. I've got MANY years ahead (runaway busses aside). Money set aside? I have children I'm planning on being a burden to, does that count?

8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account - all of which nobody has access to but you. No to all of the above (ah, the sharing of marriage!). But I DO have a blog!

9. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. I was always too chicken to pad my resume. I have paranoia induced honesty.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. My friend "T" almost ALWAYS makes me laugh. I don't know about the crying. I'm kind of a closet crier.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra. I can NEVER find tools because the hub is horrid at putting things away. Does it have to be lace?

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. I don't buy ridiculously expensive things for myself. Who does that?

13. The belief that you deserve it. Hell yeah I do! I just don't feel the need to prove it by buying ridiculously expensive things for myself.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30. I REALLY need to be better about taking care of my skin, but I am honestly just so overwhelmed with all the products that I just do nothing instead. I do exercise though - yeah me!

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better. If I NEVER have a "career" that would be okely-dokely with me. I am liking working at the library though, so that may grow as the kids get older. Relationship questions make my head hurt.


By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
I think this comes with learning how to care less about what others think of you and more about what you think of others.

2. How you feel about having kids. Since I had to clean up an unholy mess of poo smeared ALL OVER the toilet, underwear, little legs, the tile floor, the carpet, the sink, two towels and a Batman cup, I'd say you don't WANT to know how I feel about having kids right now.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. Well let's see, I became a stay-at-home mom with no career, got married and moved several hundred miles away from my friends. Does that mean I'm GOOD at that stuff or monumentally bad?

4. When to try harder and when to walk away. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't, but I HAVE learned how to not beat myself up about it. I HAVE learned how to ditch the guilt and keep the lesson. Am I trying to hard to reply to this one? (Sound of walking away)

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next. Um, yes. Yes I do.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town. Condi Rice (I cheated & Goggled), Mary and I don't want "the best" I want "the second best" who doesn't charge as much.

7. How to live alone, even if you don't like to. Ohhhhh, I am daydreaming about this! Don't toy with me!

8. How to take control of your own birthday. What the hell does this mean? Plan your own party? Declare you no longer have one? This one is weird. Besides I have to "control" everyone else's birthday, I don't WANT to control my own.

9. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents. You CAN change the width of your hips (just generally not for the better). When do your parents learn that they can't change YOUR nature? Ever?

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. I was just thinking today that if I owned a company that I would have mandatory recess for my employees including a swing set, monkey bars and that big spinny thing that you only find in old playgrounds. It's not over until I say it's over.

11. What you would and wouldn't do for money or love. This changes on a day to day basis. I don't like to draw big lines in the sand because then I just have to sneak out at night and move them.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long. I was smug about this one until I got to the flossing point. Damn floss.

13. Who you can trust, who you can't and why you shouldn't take it personally. I am deeply jaded and suspicious and completely gullible all at the same time. But I don't take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn't your fault. According to the hub, I don't even apologize for things that ARE my fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30. Who says that?