Friday, October 21, 2005

In Her Blog

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I'm getting a haircut today, and it better be the best god-damned haircut of my life.

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Hemorrhoids Info is the sister site of Warts Web.

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it's a fact. usually the only thing that will stop a determined child in the middle of a blood-curdling tantrum is severe sleep deprivation, tear gas, or possibly nutella

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The vegetarian travelling in France is well advised to return across the border by whichever means they entered France as soon as possible, or be prepared to face long distances of many hundreds of kilometres between cold plates of tofu and beansprouts, broken only by the holy trinity of French rural vegetarian fare, this being the pizza, the crepe and the salad chevre chaud.

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These are your-chosen-deity-approved margaritas.

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For a split-second this morning, I thought I saw Ronnie James Dio jogging!

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So… he really had no idea I was at this door AND he would have no clue if a yedi monster was living in the wall.

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At best, the existing theories can be used as standup comedy material or in politicians’ speeches, which are the same things actually

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So who knows, maybe deep-fried Mars bars and mildew-smelling housing will seem perfectly normal in a few months' time.

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I am large, I contain multitudes of monkeys.

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Despite your admirable enthusiasm, the world is just not ready for co-ed naked luge

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I want a Chinese Pope... a pontiff that uses chopsticks.

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I just wanted to take a moment to thank my feet.

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audience shot of cute women with faces frozen in an unconvincing smile left over from a vaguely amusing reference six jokes ago

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Footwear of choice for hippies, socialists, unkempt toenails, hairy radical feminist lesbians, and greasy geriatric grateful dead fans, a special circle of hell is reserved for birkenstock wearers where lectures on Ayn Rand alternate with basic military training, courtesy of the US Army or the Waffen SS, whichever you happen to dislike more.

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I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

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What do chronic hemmorhoids, mosquitoes , meningitis, hot candle wax stains, and my mother have in common?

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Use anything else, and you might as well be brushing your teeth with a dog turd on a stick.

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Guess It Lived Up to It's Name

So I'm eating a piece of Laffy Taffy today.

Strawberry. Snack size. You know the type.

For reasons currently unknown to me (sun spots? aliens? gophers?), right as I'm about to swallow the gooey, sticky, slobbery mass, I start coughing.

But on the first cough, some of the previously mentioned delicious slime, shoots UP MY NOSE.

*GACK* *cough* *snort* *GACK* ***GACK***

Oh great god of candy, what have I EVER done to ANGER YOU SO??

I'm coughing and heaving and my nose is smarting like a bad night at Studio 56. My eyes are watering heavily and I'm starting to look like a rabid raccoon.

Holy mother of monkeys!

More coughing. More snorting. More GACK-ing.

I have just about recovered when I start REALLY thinking about what is going on. How I am shooting artificially strawberry flavored, Red Lake #5 colored, mucus and slobber EVERYWHERE.

Then I start laughing. Which DOES NOT HELP the coughing/snorting/GACK-ing situation.

It's so fun to be me.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Yes, I CAN Hold My Tongue

My neighbor & I (no, not best-neighbor-ever, the OTHER one) were walking our kids to school today. It was a BEAUTIFUL day! Sun shining, butterflies flitting, but the changing of the leaves reminding us that these idyllic days are drawing to a close and therefore making them that much sweeter.

As we walked, our "twin" car drove by. It is the same make & color as our car, but it has zebra print seat covers & the driver is a woman who wears a hijab. Pretty easy to tell us apart.

My neighbor says that her friend lives next door to this woman & sometimes the kids play together. Therefore, and I quote, "She had to explain to her kids how they have a religion but it's the wrong religion". Apparently she had this chat with her kids because she didn't want them to LEARN anything about the other religion but she didn't want them to be prejudiced against them. You know, because, again I quote, "They HAVE a god, it's just the WRONG god. Not a real god. You know, they don't believe in Jesus or anything."

If my neighbor had A.N.Y. idea W.H.A.T.S.O.E.V.E.R. what lurks behind my mild-mannered exterior, I SWEAR she would have me run out of the neighborhood by a mob wielding pitchforks.

I just changed the subject - "Wow, there sure are a LOT of butterflies out now! I love how those bushes in front of your house really seem to attract them."

Apparently Jesus wants her home to look pretty.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Rumors of My Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

My life has become completely obsessed with figuring out how to teach a feral pack of kindergarteners to dribble a ball without hurting themselves, each other, and everyone within a 2 mile radius of the gym.

Pray for me people. Ask Kali. I think she's my best bet here.

Friday, October 07, 2005

That's What You Get for Going Out of Town and Leaving ME in Charge

(Background info - We signed the boy up for Kindergarten Intramural Basketball. There was a meeting Tuesday night to advise parents of the number of teams, they get to meet the coaches, etc.)


Phone conversation with hub (in Arkansas on business):

Hub: So were you able to go to the basketball meeting?

Me: Yeah. You will NEVER guess who the coach is.

Hub: Willie's dad?

Me: Nope. Willie isn't even playing.

Hub: John's dad?

Me: No. He just coaches t-ball.

Hub: Who is it?

Me: You're talkin' to 'em.

SILENCE

SILENCE

Boy in background yelling: It's mommy!

SILENCE

SILENCE

Boy yells again: IT'S MOMMY!!!

SILENCE

Me to boy: Give daddy a minute honey, I think he's having a break down.

Hub, finally: Whaa...whaaaa...WHAT??

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Yuck!

My children are finally reaching the age where they want to try sour flavored candy and, you know, I like me some candy......

I've quoted her before and I'll quote her again - Phoebe from Friends - "This must be what evil tastes like".

Actually I was thinking more liked brightly colored pickled pieces of petrified ASS!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Lessons from Heaven

When I was buying a soda at the gas station by work, I saw that the Extra Penny Cup sitting on the counter had a note taped to it that said "1 or 2 but NOT 3!!!"

Why not 3? Those pennies are left by CUSTOMERS that DO NOT WANT their pennies. They are for the use of OTHER CUSTOMERS.

Who is the penny Nazi and why do they even give a shit?

Today's moral - Go ONLY to Quick Trip, where they don't care if you give them pennies and they always round to the nearest silver when giving you change. Love me some QT, baby.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

The Apple Amuses the Tree

My 3.5 year old daughter just came into my room carrying a Leap Frog "Leap's Phonics Pond". As she entered it was loudly proclaiming "Press the letter T". She drops down to her knees, puts the thing on the floor, shouts "No time to be thinking" and starts frantically pushing ALL the letters.

Has my daughter been watching Keanu Reeves movies?