Friday, October 21, 2005

In Her Blog

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I'm getting a haircut today, and it better be the best god-damned haircut of my life.

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Hemorrhoids Info is the sister site of Warts Web.

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it's a fact. usually the only thing that will stop a determined child in the middle of a blood-curdling tantrum is severe sleep deprivation, tear gas, or possibly nutella

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The vegetarian travelling in France is well advised to return across the border by whichever means they entered France as soon as possible, or be prepared to face long distances of many hundreds of kilometres between cold plates of tofu and beansprouts, broken only by the holy trinity of French rural vegetarian fare, this being the pizza, the crepe and the salad chevre chaud.

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These are your-chosen-deity-approved margaritas.

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For a split-second this morning, I thought I saw Ronnie James Dio jogging!

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So… he really had no idea I was at this door AND he would have no clue if a yedi monster was living in the wall.

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At best, the existing theories can be used as standup comedy material or in politicians’ speeches, which are the same things actually

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So who knows, maybe deep-fried Mars bars and mildew-smelling housing will seem perfectly normal in a few months' time.

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I am large, I contain multitudes of monkeys.

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Despite your admirable enthusiasm, the world is just not ready for co-ed naked luge

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I want a Chinese Pope... a pontiff that uses chopsticks.

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I just wanted to take a moment to thank my feet.

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audience shot of cute women with faces frozen in an unconvincing smile left over from a vaguely amusing reference six jokes ago

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Footwear of choice for hippies, socialists, unkempt toenails, hairy radical feminist lesbians, and greasy geriatric grateful dead fans, a special circle of hell is reserved for birkenstock wearers where lectures on Ayn Rand alternate with basic military training, courtesy of the US Army or the Waffen SS, whichever you happen to dislike more.

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I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

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What do chronic hemmorhoids, mosquitoes , meningitis, hot candle wax stains, and my mother have in common?

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Use anything else, and you might as well be brushing your teeth with a dog turd on a stick.

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