Monday, October 30, 2006

It's the Great Rip-Off, Charlie Brown!

This weekend the mongrels and I had to make ourselves scarce for two hours while our realtor held an Open House at our place (don't get me started). So I finally caved into their wee little pleas, and took them to Pumpkin Town.

Now, it SOUNDS like it might be a neat place, chock full of fall festivities for the family. Right? Humph! Kinda-sorta-not-really.

Let me put in Visa commercial terms for you all....

Pony ride - $4
Inflatable slide ride - $3
Hay ride - $4
Pumpkin - $15
Time spent frolicking together in happy family harmony - Priceless

And that's where they screw you folks. With the fucking "happy family harmony" angle. God forbid you just go to Costco and buy a big ole pumpkin for five bucks. Noooooo - you gotta give them the whole shebang.

ESPECIALLY when Pumpkin Town is on the corner across from your nearest McDonald's and therefore you can't slip in for a Snack Wrap (mmmmmm, Snack Wrap) without it screaming at you that you need to bring your poor chitlins on over or deprive them of bright, shiny Halloween memories.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I have pony poo on my shoe.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Sweet Dreams are Made of These

I had the most vivid dream the other night that I was eating Zingers.

It was a package of raspberry coconut zingers and the unnaturally-tainted coconut was going all over the place and I was having a terrible time (as usual) getting the damn things out of the package (because the bottom ALWAYS sticks to the glossy cardboard).

I was walking around an office eating them and my dream-co-workers kept talking to me and I kept trying to answer but my mouth was always full and I was spewing crumbs everywhere and making a hellacious mess.

What does this dream mean?

Sometimes a Zinger is just a Zinger.

(Get it? That last line is a Zinger zinger! Get it? GET IT? Nevermind.)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

It's Not Just for Westerns Anymore

THE GOOD

The blue whale's penis is eleven feet long.

THE BAD

Aristotle Onassis is said to have upholstered the bar stools on his yacht Christina with whale penis leather.

THE UGLY

The yacht is named after his daughter.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Blog of Our Father's

*NEXT BLOG*

A faux Heisman perched proudly on your desk, announcing to the world that the only athleticism you have ever displayed in your life involved chasing the Ice-Cream truck 18 years ago.

*NEXT BLOG*

I must hate Texas more than I thought.

*NEXT BLOG*

Many times throughout the day stories come to my mind, stories sometimes involving swear words and morally questionable actions on my part.

*NEXT BLOG*

Things are starting to look up for me and my kingdom of dorkdom!

*NEXT BLOG*

So what does “feeling squirrelly” mean?

*NEXT BLOG*

If you wear lipstick, and you smile, you won't be able to see your moustache.

*NEXT BLOG*

You came in way too late to get on this rollercoaster.

*NEXT BLOG*

I have no idea if this means they've fixed the toilets that constantly clog up or the sinks that don't drain, but by God, there's new wallpaper.

*NEXT BLOG*

Strangely, his name only rhymes with "Siberian Husky" and "Elephant Tusky".

*NEXT BLOG*

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

*NEXT BLOG*

He nodded and I assume agreed to some extent (maybe his plans for starting the revolution right there in the middle of Monday night football were crushed, maybe not).

*NEXT BLOG*

So...I was just out in the hall way, and this guy walks by with two, twelve pack Mountain Dew boxes on as shoes.

*NEXT BLOG*

It gives me the heebie jeebies.

*NEXT BLOG*

Animals, children, handlers and Rich White Ladies were running amok on the croquet lawn, and it was truly one of the oddest things I had ever seen.

*NEXT BLOG*

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter.

*NEXT BLOG*

Amen fuckers.

*NEXT BLOG*

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Early Bird Gets Avian Flu

We parents are very proud of our children. We want them to do their best and if they outshine everyone else's runts **cough** children in the process (as a by-the-way... Not, you know, as a GOAL or anything), then so much the better.

Except for this instance...

Our pediatrician informed me today that my son has the very FIRST case of flu that she has seen this season.

Is that the sound of accolades? Phone calls from The Times and People? A marching brand setting up on my front lawn?

Nah... just coughing.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Jr. High School States of America

Alabama - not cool
Alaska - cool (literally, although when you think "Alaska" you think of manly men doing manly things. You never really think about women. Alaskan women are terrifying)
Arizona - cool (not literally, but a state that shows that much flesh on a daily basis HAS to be cool)
Arkansas - not cool (cribbed name off neighboring state and tried to disguise it)
California - cool (It's how they get away with those ridiculous real estate prices - coast hogs)
Colorado - cool (not even John Denver could bring it down)
Connecticut - cool
Delaware - not cool (where the hell IS Delaware anyway?)
Florida - cool (I am afraid to say "uncool" as a bunch of anthromorphic animals might come get me)
Georgia - not cool (sorry Ray)
Hawaii - cool (can you just beam me there right now)
Idaho - not cool (It takes more than Bruce & Demi to bring this potato state around)
Illinois - cool (excluding the losers who call Chicago "Chi town")
Indiana - not cool
Iowa - not cool (are you kidding?)
Kansas - not cool (see Iowa)
Kentucky - not cool (even though Kenfucky makes me laugh)
Louisiana - not cool (now I'm afraid of the Gators coming to get me)
Maine - cool (one crazy twisted writer can't be wrong)
Maryland - not cool ( I started to say cool, but it's called MARY-land for cripes sake!)
Massachusetts - cool (it's just so darn fun to say!)
Michigan - not cool (but they sure try hard)
Minnesota - cool (good lord - that accent! gotta love the accent)
Mississippi - not cool (even though it's fun to say too )
Missouri - not cool (yawn... Next!)
Montana - cool (the men are men and the women can go out and kill something for dinner)
Nebraska - not cool
Nevada - cool (in a weird way)
New Hampshire - cool
New Jersey - not cool (even unborn zygotes know Jersey sucks - the garden state? who are they kidding?)
New Mexico - not cool (not only does this state suck but it is perpetually under construction)
New York - cool (and they don't give a shit what you think, fucker)
North Carolina - cool
North Dakota - not cool (if they all seceded to Canada, would anyone notice?)
Ohio - not cool (o-hell-no)
Oklahoma - not cool (and trust me, I've been trying to give them a chance)
Oregon - cool (but freaky, very very freaky, it's almost an alien planet)
Pennsylvania - cool
Rhode Island - cool (because it's cute and you could put it in your pocket)
South Carolina - cool
South Dakota - not cool (even if it became just one big Dakota, it would still suck)
Tennessee - not cool
Texas - cool (and big. I'm required to say big.)
Utah - not cool (several million Mormons MUST be wrong)
Vermont - cool (they have syrup! And HAM!!)
Virginia - not cool (They SAY "Virginia is for lovers" when what they mean is "If you come here, prepared to get fucked!")
Washington - cool (A Volcano! A rain forest! Coffee! MORE COFFEE! They foreclosed on Courtney Love! Hee Hee!!)
West Virginia - not cool (again, get your OWN name you losers!)
Wisconsin - cool (oh the cheese..guuuuuhhhhh!)
Wyoming - not cool (although I don't think they have speed limits there. They barely have cars)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

It's Non-Non-Fiction

Today at work (my last day), I was reading one of the guys some of the tid-bits from a new book entitled Bewitch A Man: How to Find Him and Keep Him Under your Spell. Apparently this woman (some kind of witchy woman, I didn't really delve too closely into her credentials) has written spells and etcetera to help the otherwise-without-resources-or-a-clue single gal. I should have checked it out and brought it home to peruse, but after I read about how if you just want to have SEX and ONLY SEX with a man, that you should have him wear a black condom so his "magical cock" can't ensnare you, I figured it could only go down from there.

Seriously. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried, and lord knows I try.

Anyway, after pointing out the above morsel to my co-worker (as well as a heading titled "Hexing Assholes") we both shook our heads laughing.

He said,

"I can't believe that is in non-fiction."

And I said,

"Why not? The bible is in non-fiction".

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

A Woman Who Will Walk On You When You're Down

I'm moving. Relocating. Blowing this popcorn stand. Telling Oklahoma it's NOT OK. No, Witness Relocation is not involved (don't be a smartass).

Now, normally one might think that would be a Supersuckafragilistic time to fire up a dormant blog. But, as you all know, I'm just not normal.

Not even close.

Actually it makes sense if you factor in that my last day at work is tomorrow (I will miss it ridiculously) and that I don't actually have to pack a SINGLE SOLITARY BOX.

See? Good timing.

I WAS going to say I'm not telling you where I'm going, but I already did.